My ED Journey and 5 Things I Learned In Recovery
(trigger warning!!)
This post has been on my mind for a while. I went back and forth on whether I should post anything at all. I usually don't talk about this part of my life but I feel like this is something I should do. So sit back, relax, and bear with me as I share my story.
I developed an eating disorder when I was 12 years old. This was the first time I can look back and say for sure I had a problem, but it had been in the works for many years. I remember looking in the mirror as a 6 or 7 year old and thinking "I am fat. I am too big." The diets started when I was 8 and continued on and off until I was 13. That was when I began dieting and exercising obsessively. I paid my friends older sister to buy me diet pills. I fasted compulsively. I went days or weeks without eating, only to binge on anything in sight when I was done. My health was a joke. I was exhausted constantly, headaches were the norm, and I felt light-headed most of the time. When I got into high school the fasting stopped for the most part, but I found comfort in restrictive diets. Vegan, low carb, low calorie, anything that gave me control. I felt as long as I was on a diet, I was powerful and I could handle anything. I put up a front. I wanted to seem perfect. I needed to be perfect.
Years of anorexia took a toll on my body and one day I started eating. It was like my body went on autopilot, and I physically could not stop binging. I ate anything and everything I could get my hands on. This went on for weeks. Now I can look back and see that my body was starving for nutrition but at the time I just thought I was weak, fat, and completely out of control. That's when anorexia was replaced by bulimia. I spent my senior year of high school spending all my money on food. It was a miserable cycle. Binging, purging, and starving. Once, I had felt in control, now I felt completely out of control.
It's been almost 6 years and 2 treatment centers since then. Last year I would have said I was "recovered", but this year I relapsed. Hard. It started slowly. I flirted with restricting, dipping my toe in, feeling the water. But then, all of a sudden, I was engulfed again. I was swimming in deep water, quickly getting tired. I was so scared. My husband was so scared.
But, with help from my therapist - god bless her - and my angel husband, I was able to stop the downward spiral. I'm back on track now, but I think I'm still a work in progress.
Everyone's journey is different and these are just my truths. But I hope someone might find solace in my words. Here are some things I've learned in recovery.
1) I've learned that recovery isn't always perfect progress. You screw up, you back pedal, and you might even feel like you're back at square one. But you keep going. Because there is no other option. My worst days in recovery are always better than my best days in my eating disorder.
2) I've learned that recovery sucks. Yep, I said it. It's hard work. You have to be willing to get out of your comfort zone to change. Now, people won't understand this. They won't understand why eating a turkey sandwich fills you with so much anxiety you feel like you might explode. They won't understand your fear of feeling full, or losing control during a meal. Eating and drinking is like breathing to most people and they will look at you with confusion and maybe, dare I say it, disbelief. Have patience with these people. This might be your spouse, your mother, a co-worker or a best friend. Allow them to learn along with you.
3) I've learned that it's okay to ask for help. It doesn't make you weak. It makes you very, very strong. It takes a strong person to say "I want to change. But I can't do this on my own." You don't need to swallow your struggles underneath a facade of perfect recovery. Let your support team love and care for you. You can't do this without them.
4) I've learned that we are all worthy of love, safety, pleasure, happiness, and comfort. We are all worthy of delicious food and laughter with good friends. Listen to your body. What are you craving right now? Go get it! Life is too short to deprive yourself of vital nutrition or just dang good food. So go ahead! Get that donut you've been craving all week. Get a hamburger for lunch tomorrow just because! Be good to yourself, and your body will be good to you.
5) I've learned that without connection, recovery is impossible. Connection to loved ones, connection to god, and a connection to yourself. It wasn't until my second inpatient stay that I fully committed myself to this. I had an IV in my arm, my blood pressure dropped every time I stood up, and my kidney's were beginning to deteriorate. I thought "Okay, if I'm going to give this one more shot, I'm going to give it my all." That meant praying every night, even though I felt no one was listening. That meant eating all my meals, even when I was full. That meant journaling every day, even though I hated myself more than you can imagine. It was a messy, difficult journey. I had to connect with myself, my god, and my family. As I got to know myself better, I got to know my Heavenly Father better. And that is a gift I still cherish today.
"Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word." Alma 5:7
Heavenly Father will help us with our weaknesses. He is our strength! If we allow him into our hearts, he will make our weaknesses and fears strong. I know this is true. I wouldn't be here today if I didn't.
So that's my story. It's long and messy, but it's mine. I'm proud of where I am. I've had ups and downs (maybe more downs than ups), but I've survived.
Today is a good day. But tomorrow might not be. I'm still haunted by my past sometimes; by those thoughts that say "You're not good enough" "You are disgusting" or "You don't deserve to be happy." But those are the days where I say a prayer, snuggle with my hubby, and wait it out.
You deserve to be happy.
xo
Hannah
